Scars, like rain and frozen thoughts
by Kyrie
Summary: Passion and terror arise when Harm and Mac are sent to Iran on a complex and dangerous mission involving Webb.
1. Ode To Monotony

Disclaimer: not mine, don't sue me.  
  
*** Author's note: hi everybody! This story is set to take place about two weeks after season 7 ended. You will have to pay very close attention to the first three chapters in order to fully understand the story, because the plot is fairly complex, but the story will get a lot more interesting and action-packed around chapter four, I promise. Have fun! ***  
  
~ Mac's POV~  
  
  
Yesterday, life was safe. I went home after a non-eventful day at work, played with Jingo, ordered take out from that little Japanese place around the block.   
I went over some case files from a few smaller cases I've been handling at JAG, nothing very stimulating. A purely text book sexual harassment case, one disorderly conduct hearing, and two separate cases of negligence on duty. I'd been worried about Harm since Bud's injury a few weeks ago. Harriet had left the office to take care of him, and life was difficult not having her around. Harm tried to play the optimistic, supportive best friend, but he seemed pretty worn out. I was concerned that Bud's injury had hit him harder than he let on, and we hadn't talked in a few days. So I decided to call him.   
  
" Hey Mac." he said, answering directly after the first ring as usual.  
  
" How did you know it was me?" I smiled, I was always glad to hear his voice.   
  
" I don't know, I think that the ring sounds a little different when you call than it does with anybody else." He said. His voice was light, and cheerful, not quite as conflicted as usual.   
  
" hmmm...." I said, " anyways, I was just wondering how you were doing, it's been a couple of days since we've talked..."   
  
" yeah, I know."   
  
" How did your investigation go this weekend?" I asked.  
  
" boring. I talked to Bud this morning, he seems to be getting a little more optimistic."  
  
" Good, that's really great." I said, and paused for a moment before adding, " but how have you been?"  
  
He hesitated, probably trying to think of something irritatingly vague to say, but then he sighed lightly, " I don't know Mac, it's just everything is so much different now, with Bud and Harriet, and work, and Renee being gone. everything is just so hectic yet... dull. And this apartment just seems a little more lonely everyday."  
  
" I know what you mean." I replied.  
  
" You always do don't you? you always know what I mean." he said, in a distant tone. "It's been a while since we've talked."  
  
" well, you've been busy, I've been busy. Things will get better soon enough you'll see." I assured him, doing my best to play the optimistic, supportive best friend for once. He'd been doing enough of that lately.  
  
" I know, thanks."  
  
" what are you thanking me for? anyways, it's getting late, you should get some sleep." I said.  
  
" ok, night Mac." he said. " Hey wait, are you thinking about settling the Whitman case?"   
  
" Goodnight sailor." I said, ignoring his last comment as I hung up the phone. I discovered that I was smiling for no apparent reason. I tried to stop, but it seemed that the muscles in my mouth were dead set on curving upward. Talking to Harm sometimes had that affect on me.   
  
Afterward, I called Harriet and tried to cheer her up a little. We didn't talk long, she said she needed to put little A.J to bed. She sounded better than she had a few weeks ago. I tried to remember when it was, the last time I had heard her laugh. I'd forgotten, but I knew it had been a while.   
Later, I took a Bubble Bath while listening to an old Billie Holiday album.   
That night before I went to sleep, I reflected on how completely boring my life was beginning to seem. That was my mistake.  
  
  
  
I pulled into work at 7:54 the next morning. I could tell that something was up when I spotted the familiar silver Mercedes placed in my parking spot. I pulled in next to it, and laughed softly. Clayton Webb seemed to be putting less and less effort into being inconspicuous.  
  
As I made my way to my office, I noticed an unusually early Harmon Rabb coming towards me. I stopped and greeted him. Sensing that he was not in the best of moods, I put forward the most cheerful smile that I could muster. He seemed exceedingly tense. " Hey Harm, I'm settling the Whitman case, Harriet says hi." I studied him further, he looked a little pale, still very sexy, of course, but pale. "Is everything okay?" I questioned.   
  
He answered softly, " I'm not sure. The Admiral wants to see us. Webb is here."   
  
At this point I was concerned, not because of Webb, but because of Harm's strange behavior. I glanced up at him curiously, but he had already turned away from me. I followed him into Admiral Chedwiggen's office, which for some reason, seemed slightly darker today than usual.   
  
" At ease colonel." A.J. addressed me formally. I was not surprised to see Webb standing ominously before me, but I was surprised to see him looking so on edge and strung out. His unkempt appearance caught me off gaurd, his always present, dark colored three-piece suit was loosened and wrinkled. it looked as if he hadn't slept in days.   
  
" Hello Admiral, Webb. " I said, greeting them with a slight amount uncertaintly. "May I ask what's going on here?"   
  
A.J. and Webb shared an uneasy glance which made me even more nervous. AJ spoke up first, " why don't you fill her in Webb? After all, this is your mission." his voice was harsh and somewhat angry.  
  
Webb took a deep breath, " Mac, we have recently obtained a lot of information about some activity happening among terrorists in Iran. It's involving the black market." he announced.   
  
I nodded at him in comprehension, and kept my features devoid of any emotion as a faint, yet deep fear rose to my chest. I knew too well where this conversation was going.   
  
He continued, " American drug and arms dealers are some how getting into Iran and being harbored by a small, wealthy ring of Al-Qaeda terrorists. The dealers are supplying these terrorists with stolen weaponry, in exchange for drugs, money, and... other things. The area where these actions are taking place has been located to an underground facility in Mashhad, a city a few miles south of the capital. You are familiar with this area are you not?" he questioned, his expression noticeably stonier than usual.   
  
" I am." I answered flatly. A.J and Harm listened silently, they stood side by side, arms folded in front of them, glancing between me and Clay anxiously.   
  
" Here's the thing Mac," Webb proceeded, " we don't have that much information on this place, Matthew Reed, the last undercover agent that we had within the operation, was killed three days ago."   
  
My eyes locked with his as he admitted this last statement, and I could tell from the anxiety and sadness that dwelled in his eyes that he had personally known the man who was killed.  
" I'm sorry." I said it quietly, but I knew that he could hear me. He pretended as if he hadn't.  
  
"Mac, most of the terrorists in the facility speak farsi. I was placed under cover there, along with the agent who was killed. we set up a lot of very high tech surveillance equiptment around the facility, but without an insider, someone who can interact with the terrorists to determine what thier exact motive is, there's not a lot that we can do to stop them." He spoke articulately and with a lot of passion. I could tell that bringing these people down was severely important to him.   
  
I nodded slowly, unsure of what to say. " So that's where I come in."   
  
He hesitated, and took a deep breath. " You know I don't want to send you in there, but let's face it, there aren't very many people out there who can speak farsi, are familiar with the territory, and are adept in combative as well as intelligence skills. You don't have to do this Mac, but I know you're the only one we've got that could pull this off." again, our eyes met, and his gaze held a pleading expression so intense that it sent a chill down my spine.   
  
I closed my eyes and sighed. " all right Clay I'll do it, but you're really going to owe me on this one." I said. When I opened my eyes I caught an exhausted yet pleased grin from Webb, his eyes filled with gratitude. He began to say something but was interrupted by the Admiral.  
  
" Now Mac, before you formally agree to anything, you need to be fully aware of all of the risks. This operation will be very dangerous, being as we have little information other than what was obtained by Webb, and this operative, who was killed two days ago." said AJ, his voice calm, yet full of agitation and concern at the same time.   
  
I began to respond, but I was cut off by Harm, "and Mac, Webb hasn't even fully informed you of your cover yet. You'll have to pose as a terrorist, and live among these people for at least..."  
  
" It's the only way Rabb..." Webb began to argue.  
  
The admiral rubbed his eyelids in exhaustion as Harm and Webb continued arguing over the credibility of the investigation.  
  
" why are you even arguing, I said I would do it and I will!" I stated firmly.   
  
" thank you Mac." said Webb as he scowled at Harm in agitation. " besides, I have a full description of your cover right here, you can study it, and let me know if we need to make any changes." he said, he handed me a folder that contained a few papers describing my cover, a passport, and a false identification card with my picture on it. I studied the ID closer, " Jane Anderson." I said out loud, testing it out. " You couldn't come up with something a little more... original?" I asked.   
  
He shrugged, " Mine's 'Joe Black'."   
  
Harm smiled and shook his head, I tried not to laugh.   
  
" Mac, I'm having all of your cases divided among Commander Turner and Lt. Singer. From what I hear the three of you have less than three days to prepare for this mission, I suggest you begin as soon as possible." A.J. announced resolutely.   
  
" The 'three' of us sir?" I questioned.  
  
Harm explained " I asked to be placed in command the surveillance team for the operation, in case you chose to go along with this whole thing." He grinned at me playfully, glancing at me as if to say, ' I knew you were gonna do it.'   
I smiled at him thankfully. I didn't want to admit it, but I would feel much safer, knowing he was there. 


	2. Confessions

~ Webb~   
  
I have yet to truly admit it, but Matthew Reed was the closest thing to a brother that I ever had.   
When, I was growing up, his mother was our house keeper, and Matthew lived in this little house next to ours with his mother and his little sister Annie. We grew up together. Nearly everyday as a child, I would wonder away from the dreary restraintment of my massive, affluent household, and I would meet Matthew at this enormous apple tree at the edge of our estate. Matthew and I would run through the fields playing and laughing and exploring until it got dark, when we would wearily retire back to our homes.   
I was always clean cut, untrusting,forlorn, and some-what dispirited, while Matthew was always happy and smiling and talkative. He seemed to be always excited about something. Despite our differences, we were always best friends.   
Matthew was fascinated when I told him that my parents were spies. He always wanted to know about them and what they did. Matthew had wanted to be a spy since the day he discovered what a spy was. As teenagers, we would sneak into town whenever the theater was playing a James Bond movie. We both loved them.  
I convinced my mother to help put Matthew through school, and so she did. Matthew was always a year behind me in school, and I joined the CIA right out of college. Two years later, I acted as if I was ecstatic when Matthew informed me that he had also joined with the agency. Truthfully, it destroyed our friendship. We were always away on 'business' most of which was classified. We barely had time to speak with each other, and when we did, we couldn't talk about work, which had consumed our lives to the point where we had nothing else to discuss. So over the years, we grew distant. We kept in touch, but we were distant.  
  
And so there I was, after three decades of history, sitting at a long brown table under a harsh over-light, staring down at a snap-shot from a criminal profile. Staring down into the dark, sinister eyes, of Amir Hamid, the man who killed my best friend. For the first time in my life, I felt completely out of control of the anger and despair that threatened to consume me.  
  
" Clay?" I was sharply pulled away from my thoughts, at the sound of my first name, spoken softly and sounding strangely foreign on the deep and soothing undertones of the Colonel's voice. " are you all right?" It took me a moment to gather my thoughts as I found my self staring into her beautiful face, which had settled into a slightly concerned expression. Once again, I was reminded by that little, smoldering amount of passion that still lies within me, that I am just a little bit in love with Sarah Mackenzie.  
  
I nodded briefly and closed the file, " yes I'm fine." I said. I was definitely not fine. My best friend was dead, my life had no meaning, and I hadn't slept in four days.   
  
She nodded and quickly changed the subject, " so your sure these people are Al-Qaeda?"   
  
" well, yes, based on their profiles. and they have numerous Al-Qaeda contacts that they regularly keep in contact with. We have close to nothing on them, except for what's in this file." I handed it to her, and studied her intently as she glanced through the criminal profiles. She closed the file, then looked up at me.  
  
" Clay, what time is it?" she asked.  
  
I glanced at my watch carelessly, " It's nearly three AM." I said. ' as if you didn't already know that.' I thought.   
  
She nodded, " yes, it is nearly three AM. When was the last time you slept?" she questioned.  
  
" I sleep when I need to." I was slightly intrigued by the idea that she might actually care for me, but I pushed this thought from my mind. Caring for people was too dangerous. That was something I'd learned a long time ago, something that I was still learning.  
  
She paused, and looked at me for a moment, as if she were gazing right through me to someone else. "I just wonder about you Webb. I mean, do you ever get tired of playing the dark, apathetic, man of mystery? don't you ever just want to let it all go?" she asked.  
  
I hesitated, wondering where all of her new found curiosity towards my personal outlook was coming from. I didn't want to discuss this with her, but I was too exhausted to resist her persistent questioning.  
  
" yes." I admitted, surprised by how raspy and tortured that one word sounded coming from my mouth. "but not now, just not now." I said. I looked around the room, It began to blur slightly, and I felt dangerously.... detached.  
  
" Clay, who was Matthew Reed?"   
  
I felt the room begin to spin around me as I finally admitted the denial that had been tearing at my being, and keeping me awake for the past four days.  
" Matthew Reed was the closest thing to a brother that I ever had."   
  
And with that, I felt my world fade to darkness. Somehow, in the midst of it all, Sarah Mackenzie had become my confessor.   
  
  
  
When I woke up the next morning, I had a pounding headache, and that alarmed feeling that you get, when you wake up some place unfamiliar, and you don't know where you are. I reached down to my waist band for my gun, and panicked when I realized that it wasn't there. I rose from the freshly lavender scented queen size bed that I had been sleeping in and looked to the bedside table. My gun was placed on it, next to a picture of little AJ. Memories of the night before flooded back to me as I realized where I was. ' Mac must have taken me home with her last night.'   
My suit case was placed at the foot of Mac's bed, along with a note that read, ' Webb, I had to run back to JAG to pick up a few things. help yourself to the shower, I'll be home in a few. - Mac' I smiled at the friendly tone to which the note had been written. Out of all of the people in the world I could have had a mild nervous breakdown in the presence of, I was lucky it had been Mac. 


	3. Realizations

~ Harm~  
  
That morning as I sat in my car, lodged somewhere in the middle of a three mile traffic-jam, I came to the realization that I, Harmon Rabb Jr., am an idiot. It's true, I had made not one good decision in the past 10 years. I'd been in numerous failed relationships and two plane crashes. I had nearly let the only woman I'd ever loved marry someone else, all the while being too selfish and afraid to tell that I love her.   
  
When I was a kid, I never would have thought that I would one day be a forty year old lawyer living alone in an apartment with no family of my own. sure, I had solved a few cases, taken a few scars, caught a few bad guys. But still, there I was, in the middle of that traffic jam, with that one frozen and tormenting thought in the back of my head, telling me over and over, 'Your life has no meaning.' I tried to push the thought from my mind, but even as I arrived at Mac's apartment building, slight traces of doubt haunted my mind.   
  
" maybe I'm having a mid-life crisis." I thought out loud to myself as I absently stepped onto the elevator.  
  
" nah, you don't seem like the type." Came a familiar voice from behind me.   
  
I turned in surprise as Mac stepped in to the elevator following me. " Mac, " I said, startled. She was grinning whimsically at me, dressed casually in a black halter -top and jeans. "You look great." I added approvingly.   
  
" thanks." she said laughing, " you okay?"  
  
" oh yes, fine. as always." I said, somewhat embarrassed she had caught me talking to myself.  
  
" what's this about a 'mid-life crisis'?" she asked, cocking an eyebrow at me in curiosity.  
  
" oh, it's nothing. Just, you know... thinking about things."   
  
she nodded. " well, that's good. that you... think about things." she smiled up at me. For a moment I was staring into her eyes, simply captivated by her beauty, thinking about how much I loved her and unsure of what to say.   
Her smile faded and she glanced up at me in uncertainty as I stepped closer to her.  
  
" Mac, I..." I began to speak, but was interrupted as we arrived at her floor and the elevator doors snapped open. An elderly woman and a tall maintenance worker stood at the other side of the door, peering in at us, waiting for us to step off the elevator.   
  
I let out a sigh, and Mac smiled wistfully, " This would be our stop." she said lightly, stepping out of the elevator. " Hello Mrs. Peterson." she nodded at the elderly lady.  
  
' what just happened here?' I thought to myself as I followed her to her apartment door.   
  
" Would you like some coffee?" she asked as we stepped inside.   
  
" yes, please, that sounds great." I said, plopping down on her sofa as she rattled around in the kitchen. "so how are all of the preparations going for the mission?" I asked.  
  
" pretty well, we were up somewhat late last night getting background information together, but we have it all tied away." she said, coming out of the kitchen, handing me a cup of coffee.   
I nearly spilt the hot liquid in my lap as I heard a door opening, and a freshly showered, cleanly shaven Clayton webb stepped out of the bathroom.  
  
" good morning Clay. Coffee?" Mac asked him sweetly.  
  
" Sure." he said. " hello Rabb." he nodded at me.  
  
I was stunned for a moment. " what the hell are you doing here?" I asked, trying to contain my anger as a spiteful rage began rising in my chest.  
  
" I stayed the night." he said casually. " Mac didn't tell you?"   
  
" No she didn't." I said in infuriation as she handed Webb his coffee.  
  
" So should we get started then?" she shrugged calmly.  
  
I clenched my jaw, and stood there rigidly, trying to push away all of the hurt and anger I was feeling at that moment .  
  
Mac looked at me, and concern filled her eyes as she caught my pained expression. "Is everything okay?" she asked in confusion.   
  
" I don't know," I said, failing to withhold the pained resonance from my voice. " are you sure that 'background information' is all you two were up late doing last night?!" I yelled angrily.  
  
Mac was startled, and she looked at Webb in confusion, then at me, and a sudden realization donned on her expression. "oh no, Harm. Look, Clay passed out from exhaustion in the office last night. We were the only two left at JAG, and I didn't know where he was staying so I brought him home with me. I let him sleep here, I took the couch. That's it." she said.  
  
Clay tilted his head at me, " oh, you thought that we... " he smiled foolishly, " sorry for the miscommunication." he chuckled lightly.   
  
Mac shook her head and looked away from me, " So you just assumed that I would..."  
  
I instantly regretted my reaction. " no, Mac. It's just.... Christ, I'm so sorry. I feel like such an ass." I tried to reconcile, but I could tell she had been hurt by my insinuations.  
  
" no, it's fine. We should really start discussing the mission." she said, trying to sound nonchalant, but I could tell that I had struck a nerve. She still wouldn't look at me.   
  
  
  
Mac, Webb, and I prepared for the mission all day. We went over hundreds of records, maps, and files. We discussed every worst-case scenario, every 'what happens when' and " what if they', we could think of, but even after we seemed to know everything we should know about the operation, I was still frightened that something would go wrong. This was the most dangerous and involved task that Mac and I would ever be involved in, and we wouldn't even really be together. For once, she would be the undercover investigator, she would be the one in danger. I would be the one watching from the sidelines, I would be the one with absolutely no control over the situation. Maybe that's what I was so afraid of. More than anything, I was afraid of losing control.   
  
" What happens if my cover gets blown?" Mac asked softly. I looked to Webb for an answer, but he seemed slightly taken off guard by the question. There was an extended silence. I studied Mac as she searched Webb's eyes for an answer. She steadied her gaze, and looked into his eyes trustingly and assuringly, as if she was trying to tell him something. His gaze softened, and he nodded at her briefly before saying, " If our covers get blown, then Harm will instruct a small naval combat team to invade the facility." he said, still looking into her eyes.  
It seemed that some sort of message had just been exchanged between them, that they had somehow forged some type of bond that I had been completely unaware of. I tried to overlook this, but it made me a little jealous that Mac and Webb would be working so closely together on this mission, and even more so that they had become friends.   
  
" I've got to go now." Webb said abruptly, devoid of any expression. " You two need to be at the airport tomorrow morning at six-thirty." I nodded at him in reply.  
  
" Goodnight Clay." said Mac.  
  
He smiled at her briefly. " goodnight Sarah." he said before departing.   
  
' It's nice to know we're on a first name basis here.' I thought to myself, bitterly.   
  
I looked at Mac. She seemed to be deeply drawn into a file that she was studying, and I sighed as I realized that she was trying to ignore me.  
  
" Mac, you mad at me?" I asked.   
  
She shook her head, " no." she said, still not looking at me.  
  
" ok look, I'm sorry I yelled at you. I never should have assumed that you and Webb would do anything like that." I stated, apologetically.  
  
She nodded unresponsively.  
  
" Mac." I said in exasperation, " look at me."   
  
Slowly, she brought her eyes up to meet mine.   
  
I took a deep breath, " Mac, your my best friend. I've just been rattled lately, and stressed out about this investigation. The truth is, I need you now, I need you more than ever. I just, I get scared at the thought of losing you." I admitted, closing my eyes in anticipation of her reaction. I didn't get one.   
  
I opened my eyes slowly to see her smiling at me contentedly. "apology accepted." she said.  
  
I smiled at her, glad that we were back on a mutual smile basis. She rose from the table, and a warm feeling rose within me as she embraced me tightly. The moment was over all to quickly, and as she stepped back from my embrace, I felt a pang of absence from where she had rested in my arms.   
  
" It's time for you to go now." she said, directing me toward the door, " we have a long day tomorrow, and you need to get some sleep."   
  
" okay." I agreed. 'I never want to leave you.' I thought.   
  
" goodnight sailor." she said.  
  
" goodnight marine." I replied, smiling.   
  
But as I stepped out to the hall, and her door shut behind me, the feeling that I was suddenly incomplete came upon me. I fought an overwhelming urge to go back and return to her arms, the only place I 'd ever truly felt at home.  
  
  
  
  
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Author's Note: Ok, that's it for now. What do you think? More is on the way. Any comments or suggestions would be greatly appreciated, I'm kind of experimenting with the alternate Point Of View's. I won't continue this if I don't get feedback. thank's for reading!!! 


	4. The Reality Of Things

~ Mac~  
  
  
The reality of things really began to hit me on the plane. I sat there staring out the window miles above the ground, absently sipping a small plastic cup of flat ginger ale. There was a nervous fluttering in my stomach as I contemplated over and over in my mind all of the technicalities, all of the possible mishaps that could take place on the all too soon upcoming mission. Harm sat beside me, trying his hardest to make light of the situation. Grateful for the distraction from my paranoia, I joined him in a friendly and casual conversation for almost the entire flight.   
Things grew silent as we neared the end of the flight. The anxiety I had been trying to suppress crept back up to the surface as the pilot announced that we would soon be landing in Mashhad. Harm must have sensed my growing agitation.  
  
" Don't worry Mac, you're going to do just fine. I know it." He said, offering me a reassuring smile.  
  
" Thanks." I said, smiling and trying to sound genuinely confident. " but I'm not so sure I can say the same for you." I teased.  
  
He laughed. " I don't know, I probably shouldn't have asked for this position. I really don't know a lot about surveillance equipment."   
  
" oh, I'm sure you'll figure it out. Besides there will be tons of nice young soldiers around who actually know what they're doing and can help you out. You just get to tell them what to do."   
  
" One of the few benefits of old age I suppose." he said, sighing wistfully.   
  
" oh, your not too old. you're old, and you are older than me, but not too old." I grinned at him playfully.  
  
He gave me a look of mock-injury. " That hurts." he said.   
  
Webb sat alone in a seat one up and across from us. He had been completely silent throughout the entire flight, and I was concerned for his emotional well being. We hadn't had the opportunity to talk since the night before last, I wondered if he was truly prepared for this mission. But he seemed entirely composed and focused, so I chose not to question him about it.   
  
The airport at Mashhad was incredibly small, run down and dusty. Apart from myself, Harm, Webb, and a few mechanics, the airport appeared to be completely empty. The three of us were transported from the airport, directly to a small military camp about twenty miles south of the city. It was early in the morning when we arrived, but everyone in the camp was already up and busy.  
Upon our arrival, we were greeted by a smaller man who appeared to be in his early fifties. He wore a dark-gray suit with a long black over coat, which I thought was strange considering the extremely warm desert weather of Mashhad.  
" Hello Webb." He said, in an unanimated tone. " so these must be your people." he glanced Harm and I up and down quickly and with little concern. His gray-blue eyes were cold but intelligent, and I could tell right away that this was a man with an interesting past.  
  
Clay introduced us, " Harm, Mac, this is agent Jonathan Wold. Jonathan, this is Colonel Sarah Mackenzie and Commander Harmon Rabb."   
  
Jonathan nodded at us quickly. " follow me." he said. " we have a lot to do."   
  
Jonathan led us to one of the several wide, tan-colored tents at the camp. I felt awkward and out of place walking through a military camp in civilian clothing, but since my cover was a civilian weapons analyst, I had to do without the uniform.   
We spent the following four hours going over the last important details of the mission. It was so heated in the tent, that I became agitated and inpatient. Harm was restless, and he paced back and forth as Jonathan spoke endlessly about Amir Hamid, and the dozens of spiteful and dangerous men that mindlessly followed him. Clay seemed entirely composed throughout the entire briefing. He was still and attentive, with no signs of uneasiness or anxiety. I wished I had his control.   
Towards the end of the briefing, I struggled to remember all of the scraps of information that Jonathan had been persistently cramming into my head for the past four hours.   
  
" That is about all we can give you for now." Jonathan concluded in his slight British accent.  
  
" thank you Jonathan." Webb said. Harm and I simply nodded at him blankly.   
  
" oh and I almost forgot. These are for you." Jonathan handed Webb and I each a tiny black listening device. They were the smallest I'd ever seen, and very light. I studied mine for a moment, and watched as Webb placed his in his ear. I did the same with mine.  
  
" They are virtually undetectable, and very easy to use. This way, Commander Rabb will always be able to contact you from the surveillance truck. He will also be able to hear all of your conversations and the conversations around you. " Jonathan said. " If you tap the device twice it will turn off, and if you tap it once it will turn back on."   
  
I nodded.   
  
Clay turned to me, " You'll have to prepare for departure. We'll be leaving in 20 minutes." he announced. He then exited the tent along with Jonathan.   
I supposed that they had left to give Harm and I some time alone to talk, but when I turned towards Harm, I found my mind was utterly devoid of any words to say. I simply stood there facing him very closely, and looking at him. I gazed into his piercing blue eyes, memorizing his every feature slowly and intently. I hoped that I would always remember how he looked at that exact moment, for I was horribly afraid that I would never see him again.   
There was a moment of silence, in which there was a certain intensity in the air, and I was troubled by the realization that so much was left unsaid between us.  
  
" Harm I ..." I began to speak but was silenced as Harm stepped forward abruptly and engulfed me in a powerful embrace.   
  
" I don't want you to go." he whispered.  
  
I was momentarily taken off guard by the sudden change in events, but then I returned his embrace and rested my head on his shoulder. I was comforted by the familiar and delicate scent of his soap and aftershave, mingled with something else that was unique and strong and purely Harm.  
Reluctantly, I stepped back from him, gripping his hand tightly as if it were my only lifeline. " You know I have to." I said.   
  
He nodded at me, his eyes glowered with distress and an anguished tone haunted his voice, " I know it's just... just be careful okay?" he said.   
  
" You know I will." I assured him. " we've faced worse than this."   
  
He shook his head. " I just have a bad feeling about this one Mac." he said. And to that I had no reply of encouragement, because I myself felt the same.   
  
I smiled despite the tears that threatened to spill from my eyes, " Hey, don't worry about it. As soon as you know it we'll both be back at JAG, I'll be getting on your nerves all over again, and you'll be dying to ship me back off to some random terrorists in Iran."   
  
" You know that's not true." he said.  
  
Over the years, we had said so many good-byes, I wondered what it was that made this one so much harder than the rest. " We'll be fine Harm." I assured him one last time.  
  
He leaned forward and kissed me lightly on the forehead, " I know."   
  
" I have to go now." I said, but made no attempt to move. I shook my head, pulled my eyes away from Harm, and squared my shoulders, I began to make my way towards the opening of the tent, but then I realized that I still clutched Harm's hand in a death-tight grip. " You'll probably be needing this." I said, releasing it gently.  
  
" thanks." he smiled, shaking his hand cautiously as the color slowly returned to it.   
  
" I'm so sorry." I said. " You need some ice or something?"   
  
" No, it's ok." he laughed.  
  
  
We walked silently, side by side towards the jet-black humvee that would be my, as well as Webb's, departing vehicle. I noticed that it was smaller and very different in form from the ones used by the American military, and I wondered briefly where it had originated from.   
Webb sat waiting in the drivers seat, adorned in a black pair of sunglasses.  
  
" Do you know how to drive this thing ,Mr. black?" I asked him mockingly, addressing him by his cover name.  
  
" Not a clue Janie," he smiled playfully, " I was hoping you would teach me."   
  
I took a deep breath, and turned toward Harm. I squinted up at him through the glare of the high noon sun. I would liked to have hugged him goodbye, but there were several officers standing around to see us off safely, and I didn't want to break protocol in their presence.   
I saluted him sharply, " Goodbye commander." I said.  
  
He saluted me in return, and shook his head. " Not goodbye." he said determinedly.  
  
As I stepped toward that humvee, all of the fear and apprehension that had been tormenting me for the past two days was drained from my mind, and replaced by a mind-clearing determination to succeed.   
As I buckled myself into the passenger seat, Webb glanced at me.   
  
" It's nice to see that you've finally reached mission mode." He said, before starting the vehicle. I nodded at him and struggled not to look back as we traveled across the desert, straight toward an uncertain future. 


	5. Freedom Lost

~ Webb~   
  
The drive was over an hour long, shakey, and despite the rattling and humming of our vehicle, very silent. Mac appeared to be deeply consumed with her own thoughts, and I didn't want to disturb them. Memories of Matthew kept invading my mind, and the anticipation of once again facing Amir rattled my nerves. Never before had I so desperately wanted to hurt someone, and I was overwhelmed by the blood lust that threatened to consume my very being.   
As we approached the tall clay walls that surrounded the facility, Mac tensed and leaned forward attentively. " wow, this place really is in the middle of nowhere." she said. " what do they call it?"   
  
" They call it the Vanax." I said, putting an emphasis on the title.  
  
" Vanax? That's a greek mytholigical term for ' fortress from evil." she stated, creasing an eyebrow in confusion. "why would an islamic terrorist organization use a greek title like that?"   
  
" Amir Hamid is very interested in European culture and Greek mythology. He studied in Britain for four years." I replied. It was hard to restrain the distasteful tone from my voice as I spoke of him.   
  
" That's kind of strange." she said. " don't you agree?"   
  
" I suppose so."   
  
She studied me for a moment. " So 'how' important is it to you that you kill him?"   
  
I was surprised by the forwardness of her question. " You don't waste much energy being subtle do you?"   
  
" I try not too. well?"   
  
I sighed. " too important." I admitted.   
  
She nodded in understanding. " I'm not going to tell you not to kill him, but try not to want to. Vengeance never helped anyone."   
  
I was contemplating her advice as we came to a stop at the tall, looming , iron gates of the Vanax. For a moment, the facility appeared to be deserted.  
  
" Is anybody home?" Mac asked, tapping her fingers on the dashboard anxiously.  
  
Just then, two heavily armed guards appeared at the gates. They wore plain grey uniforms, and I didn't recognize them from the previous time I had stayed at the Vanax. They rushed toward us, pointing thier guns at us and shouting something in farsi that I couldn't understand. Mac replied to them calmly, and I flashed them my I.D.  
  
" My name is Joe Black, I'm here to see Amir." I spoke slowly, hoping that they knew a minimal amount of english.   
  
" Joe Black." One of them mumbled as they rushed back through the gates.   
  
" What are they doing?" Mac asked, tapping her fingers slightly faster.   
  
I began to respond, but I found myself at a sudden loss of words when I sensed someone was watching me, and I glanced up at the gates.   
  
" It's him." I said, and struggled to steady my breath, as an intense panic mixed with rage rose up through my chest at the sight of him. He walked confidently and gracefully toward us at a casual pace, a pleased welcoming grin spread accross his face. He looked like someone out of a classic Spanish romance, wearing a long sleeved white cotton shirt and black jeans. He shouted us a greeting, but I failed hear it as it was carried off by a sudden gust of wind.   
  
I stepped out of the truck to greet him, and smiled, hoping none of the contempt I felt for him showed through my expression.   
  
Mac stepped beside me. " don't worry, you're doing fine." she assured me under her breath, so that the nearing Amir could not hear her.   
  
He approached me, laughing contentedly as if he had just heard a clever joke. " Mr. Black, so pleased that you could join us today. We have so much to catch up on, yes? " he shook my hand firmly, his attention already fucused on Mac. " and I absolutely must be introduced to this lovely creature." he smiled cunningly, looking her up and down with a great amount of interest.   
  
" It's good to be back. This is Jane Anderson, that weapons analyst I was telling you about." I said.  
  
" It's very nice to meet you." Mac said, smiling demurely and reaching to shake his hand. Instead he took her hand in his, and kissed it softly.   
  
" Very nice." he agreed.   
  
If she was at all offended by his actions, she hid it extraordinarily well. Not a trace of nervousness showed through her expression, as he looped her arm through his, and began leading us toward the Vanax.  
  
" The two of you have so much to see here, a lot has been accomplished while you were away Mr. Black. New recruits and weapon systems. Some of the men have been adding to the gardens...." he continued on ambitiously as we made our way through the gates, I fought back a dreaded sense of imprisonment.   
As the gates slammed shut behind us, the wailing sound of clashing iron chorused throughout the desert. 


End file.
